12 am here in So. Cal.
Isn’t is crazy how many things could just add up? Even if they are so small. They just create this little pile in the back of your mind, and bam - that is just all you can think about.
This explains the last few weeks.
I’m usually the one who is consistently positive, always looking for the brighter side of things. However, lately.. it’s just not been the case. Digging into it, my mom has been the number one downfall for me. 2 weeks ago, the first school day after Prom, I got called into the office saying I had to leave because my mom had yet to pay tuition and they couldn’t get a hold of her. I called too, only to have no answer as well. I called her ex, come to find he said she was in Miami. My first thought: “So that’s what she missed my first and last prom for?” It might sound silly, but for someone who’s mom missed a lot of highlighted moments in my life, it hurt so much and I was embarrassed. I went home with a heavy heart only to find that more was coming my way.
You see, I think
a lot. A lot is an understatement, actually. My mind never stops. Whether it be questions, concerns, ideas, or conversations.. it’s always running. And that could be a blessing or a curse. So factoring in my mom, the fact that my dad and I are living out of storage, my grandma’s house and our own empty house, the feeling of not being a priority, fighting with best friends, stress over school, and a Mother’s Day filled with drama and no mom around - it’s safe to say that I would rather go and hide under a rock than think about it all. And that scares me… because I do not run from things.
Literally, that word.. the meaning it holds to me, the actuality of how easy it is to stop and just take a breath - making it so effortless is what has made me not go crazy. It’s also made me accept a lot of things. So here is where I become transparent.
- I can’t change who my mom is and what she does, but I can only change the way I let it affect me. Still showing her love.
- It doesn’t matter where I live, or how crazy the housing situation might become.. I’ll always be taken care of.
- Instead of crying over not feeling like a priority to people, I have to speak of it and not take myself out of an uncomfortable situation.. otherwise it will never become better.
- My best friends are my best friends. Fighting just shows we care enough to stick through the crap.
- School: I’m going to be placed where I need to be.
And lastly, accept that it is okay to feeeeeel my situation. It’s okay to not be okay. It’s okay to actually talk about, cry about it, write about it.. whatever. Keeping it to myself and not fully accepting that the season I am in, is the season I am in is only going to stunt me from learning anything. Stunt me from growth that is waiting so anxiously to let the bad die off. So, here’s where I start.
God knows what He is doing.
Without struggle, there can be no progress.
“Weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning.” - Psalm 30:5
Smile, Have Faith, Stay Strong, and Breathe. <3
Till next time,
- Desire Renee.