10pm here in So. Cal.
We see it all the time in movies; one second the character is on cloud 9 - she has the future, she has the best friends, she has the guy, she has the family. Then all of the sudden there is turn of events and cloud 9 has suddenly vanished. There she is, falling aimlessly through the sky searching for something to latch onto so the fall to the ground won’t be so hard. From here is where the story continues as we sit just a bit closer to the television wondering what’s next. We have this secret hope that somehow… just somehow she would prevail, because in our minds we place ourselves in her position. We root for her. And while it may be a bit more dramatic, this is where I have found myself recently.
Just over 10 days ago I walked the stage of graduation and moved home from the life I had lived for the last 9 months. On that drive home with two of my best friends in site I knew change was coming - and oh, did it come. My ears were instantly flooded with stories, my eyes were met with pictures, my head was filled with questions, wonders and ultimatums, and out of my mouth could come out nothing but, “wow, I really have missed a lot.” In that moment, without thinking, I created the impression to myself that this new information wasn’t going to affect me. However, as I arrived back into my hometown, my cloud seemed to be hiding.
As a few days progressed the excitement of catching up with old friends, talking of tattoos, being reunited with the Godfather movies and seeing close family again overjoyed my heart. Nevertheless, I knew my cloud had cleared out for a reason.
That day, reality hit. I was faced head on with many pages of information about my home life that I wasn’t aware of, many old friendships had taken hits I didn’t mean to happen, finances seemed to be just an idea, excitements and promises placed in my ears over the phone just a few months ago had no follow through, and to end the day; I lost the boy of almost a year due to misunderstandings over text message. And it didn’t just end there, as the days continued I honestly began to fall away with the information that followed. So to say that I was in a state of culture shock and confusion was an understatement. My prayers became what seemed like battle cries, my journal turned into soaked blurs and my eyes that used to be filled with excitement would stare blankly into whatever was coming next. I honestly did not realize just how hard this adjustment was going to be. Or how difficult it would seem to take what I learned over the last few months and apply it where needed.
This is where I’ve been. But it is not where I am going to stay. As I sat here today with my phone off and my mind open, I can finally get myself to say what I am about to say.
I have a future so much greater than these last 10 days.
I have a God much more stable than any strength I have left in myself.
I have promises laid before me much wider than any minuscule desire I’ve had, or people have given me.
I have the heart within me to do what I need to accomplish with my time out here; to put my all into what I’m scared of, to trust without fear, to mourn when I need to, to deal instead of run, to choose confidence instead of timidness, to speak when I feel called, and to be the person I have always known myself to be.
And so do you. I write these struggles down not to gain pity or to ask for a pat on the back - but to relate. Just as I desire for people to watch me as I fall from my cloud and root for me, I want to root for you. New strengthening seasons and loses aren’t meant to be easy, in fact they’re meant for the very opposite. However, for me this has meant that as I cling to clouds - they dissolve, that people come and go, that words are often forgotten, and things are far from always making sense, but with Christ, a beautiful future is promised.
All this to say, I’m not done processing, I’m not done feeling the emotions, and I’m not done with my battle cries - however, I can now say that I have hope once again. Or I should say I am renewed of the awareness of the hope that has never left me. I know this too shall pass, and perseverance will wash over whatever is left and I choose to be glad in that.
I’m rooting for you, just as I know you would root for me. It’s worth the fight, I promise.
“Consider it a sheer gift, friends, when tests and challenges come at you from all sides. You know that under pressure, your faith-life is forced into the open and shows its true colors. So don’t try to get out of anything prematurely. Let it do its work so you become mature and well-developed, not deficient in any way. ” - James 1:2-4, The Message.
Smile, Have Faith, Stay Strong, and Breathe. <3
Till next time,
- Desire Renee.