Expect the Impossible.

10pm here in So. Cal. 

  We see it all the time in movies; one second the character is on cloud 9 - she has the future, she has the best friends, she has the guy, she has the family. Then all of the sudden there is turn of events and cloud 9 has suddenly vanished. There she is, falling aimlessly through the sky searching for something to latch onto so the fall to the ground won’t be so hard. From here is where the story continues as we sit just a bit closer to the television wondering what’s next. We have this secret hope that somehow… just somehow she would prevail, because in our minds we place ourselves in her position. We root for her. And while it may be a bit more dramatic, this is where I have found myself recently. 

  Just over 10 days ago I walked the stage of graduation and moved home from the life I had lived for the last 9 months. On that drive home with two of my best friends in site I knew change was coming - and oh, did it come. My ears were instantly flooded with stories, my eyes were met with pictures, my head was filled with questions, wonders and ultimatums, and out of my mouth could come out nothing but, “wow, I really have missed a lot.” In that moment, without thinking, I created the impression to myself that this new information wasn’t going to affect me. However, as I arrived back into my hometown, my cloud seemed to be hiding. 

  As a few days progressed the excitement of catching up with old friends, talking of tattoos, being reunited with the Godfather movies and seeing close family again overjoyed my heart. Nevertheless, I knew my cloud had cleared out for a reason. 

  That day, reality hit. I was faced head on with many pages of information about my home life that I wasn’t aware of, many old friendships had taken hits I didn’t mean to happen, finances seemed to be just an idea, excitements and promises placed in my ears over the phone just a few months ago had no follow through, and to end the day; I lost the boy of almost a year due to misunderstandings over text message. And it didn’t just end there, as the days continued I honestly began to fall away with the information that followed. So to say that I was in a state of culture shock and confusion was an understatement. My prayers became what seemed like battle cries, my journal turned into soaked blurs and my eyes that used to be filled with excitement would stare blankly into whatever was coming next. I honestly did not realize just how hard this adjustment was going to be. Or how difficult it would seem to take what I learned over the last few months and apply it where needed. 

  This is where I’ve been. But it is not where I am going to stay. As I sat here today with my phone off and my mind open, I can finally get myself to say what I am about to say. 

I have a future so much greater than these last 10 days.

I have a God much more stable than any strength I have left in myself.

I have promises laid before me much wider than any minuscule desire I’ve had, or people have given me. 

I have the heart within me to do what I need to accomplish with my time out here; to put my all into what I’m scared of, to trust without fear, to mourn when I need to, to deal instead of run, to choose confidence instead of timidness, to speak when I feel called, and to be the person I have always known myself to be.

And so do you. I write these struggles down not to gain pity or to ask for a pat on the back - but to relate. Just as I desire for people to watch me as I fall from my cloud and root for me, I want to root for you. New strengthening seasons and loses aren’t meant to be easy, in fact they’re meant for the very opposite. However, for me this has meant that as I cling to clouds - they dissolve, that people come and go, that words are often forgotten, and things are far from always making sense, but with Christ, a beautiful future is promised. 

All this to say, I’m not done processing, I’m not done feeling the emotions, and I’m not done with my battle cries - however, I can now say that I have hope once again. Or I should say I am renewed of the awareness of the hope that has never left me. I know this too shall pass, and perseverance will wash over whatever is left and I choose to be glad in that. 

I’m rooting for you, just as I know you would root for me. It’s worth the fight, I promise. 

“Consider it a sheer gift, friends, when tests and challenges come at you from all sides. You know that under pressure, your faith-life is forced into the open and shows its true colors. So don’t try to get out of anything prematurely. Let it do its work so you become mature and well-developed, not deficient in any way. ” - James 1:2-4, The Message.

Smile, Have Faith, Stay Strong, and Breathe. <3

Till next time, 

- Desire Renee. 

I always wonder what people dream about. I wonder about their passions - I wonder how people think - how their mind works through pictures, words; whatever it may be. I guess that is why I love people so much. I love to unravel them… to go deeper than others usually care to go. I love to realize that my way of thinking and living isn’t the only one - and to be able to expand each others’ minds is literally the best feeling, even if you both don’t entirely agree with the other. There’s just something about being allowed into the very core of another person’s vulnerability. It’s almost as if let’s say you are having a dream, one of those dreams that when you wake up and  you want to so badly explain it - but the words just aren’t there, however this time, you’re allowed to invite someone to watch the dream happen with you. They get to see, hear and feel what you feel just as if it was their own dream. Can you imagine that? 

This is the picture I get when I get invited to sit in someone else’s mind for just a little bit. It’s something that can’t really be explained, but it doesn’t have to be.

I just feel like those moments, in my life, are going to be the most memorable and inspiring. I love unraveled dreamers.

It has been too long. 

4pm here in So. Cal. 

Life has a way of sneaking its way up on you - am I right? 9 months later; I am finally back. And with more stories than you could ever imagine. 

Today I found myself sitting on a few boxes, starring blankly into the floor. To others this could mean I am tired or bored. To me, this means I have so much on my mind that I am just not even aware of my own physical actions. I live in my head and it is my biggest strength - but also my strongest weakness if I don’t let it out properly. This is where writing has always come to play. Andman, have I missed it.   

These last couple of months have been the best, most challenging, strengthening, and memory filled moments I have experienced thus far. I have moved into a house where there is nothing but love from the family, I have experienced what it is like to move into a fast paced city and what it really looks like to intern at a soon-to-be mega church. But most of all, I have fallen in love with Christ in a way that I would have never known on my own. I have built relationships with some of the greatest people I will ever know and made connections with people I would have never imagined. The amount of opportunities I have gotten to tap into hidden talents and abilities has been unreal and has shown me so much about what I was created to do. This time has also given me a confidence to make a decision to move across the world to Sydney, Australia to attend Hillsong International Leadership College. And I cannot even begin to explain how excited I am to take this next journey as this current one begins to come to a close.

My only regret is that I didn’t write more. Today as I logged back on for the first time in months, I began reading and reminiscing over words I had forgotten I had written. But that begins to change now. Writing is my way of expression - bottled up, it does nothing but clog my head of so many unwritten words that I never know where one thought started and where one ended. And so the journey continues. 

“Your journey has molded you for your greater good, and it was exactly what it needed to be. Don’t think you’ve lost time. There is no short-cutting to life. It took each and every situation you have encountered to bring you to the now. And now is right on time.”  - Asha Tyson. 

Smile, Have Faith, Stay Strong, and Breathe. <3

Till next time, 

- Desire Renee. 

When we met, I never thought we would be here. I never thought I would enter into these life altering conversations and be amazed at what life has seen you go through. I never thought I would be able to hear of a heart so passionate for their family even though you’ve had reason to stray far from that. I never thought that those harsh, sarcastic remarks of others when we first met were a coping mechanism that would soon turn around for the best. I never thought that your faith is something that has literally saved your life. I never thought someone so real, honest, and bold would be someone so misunderstood. I never thought that you would want to dedicate your time and career to people just because you care dearly for their hearts and futures. I never thought your habits would soon turn into a testimony. I never thought I would come to place of respect and being so proud of you. I never thought that you and I would become a big part in each other’s lives. And I never, never, never thought you would tell me you hoped to fit the bill of my future husband. 

And what has surprised me the most is I hope so too.

I have yet to be able to be that honest with myself. I don’t know what is going to happen, I don’t know if because we got into one fight if it’s changed everything, I don’t know how I have to address this conversation that needs to be had, and most of all, I don’t know how you really feel about me leaving next month. 

What I do know is that this is the most honest I’ve been with myself in a very long time. A lot around me is changing and morphing into a new season, the question now is if you are going to be a part of it? 

I guess these next 35 days will tell. 

I’m just scared that I’ll be that girl again left with a sob story. That’s my fear. 

   So they say when you graduate high school, life begins… you are now thrown into the real world. And being someone who watches a lot of movies, those words became cliche to me… until a few days ago. 

   It doesn’t feel real. Being done with high school, moving away, living on my own. That is grown up stuff. But, it begins Thursday. And up until two days ago, it didn’t scare me. But it hit me; in 70 days I start my life in Corona, I move away from some of my closest friends, and I leave my Daddy. I know what you’re thinking, “You’ll get used to it. It’s a part of life.” Yep, that’s what I thought, and then I got a text that shook me saying this person hoped they would fit the bill of my future husband. Perfect timing, am I right? You best belieeeeeve I sat there staring at my phone and telling God he has a sense of humor, for sure. Those words are strong, and make you think for days. But, I can’t really tell you how I feel. I really do feel a little bit of everything: scared, excited, anxious, happy, hopeful, thankfulness… a mix. And as for the boy, I guess we will see, shall we? 

It is just crazy to me that we really are growing up. People we grew up with are going to all be going to college, get married, become the friggin’ president, whatever. We now have the future at our fingertips. The question is, what are we going to do with it?

Wish me luck.

It’s about to be a crazy ride.

-Desire Renee. 

12 am here in So. Cal.

Isn’t is crazy how many things could just add up? Even if they are so small. They just create this little pile in the back of your mind, and bam - that is just all you can think about.

This explains the last few weeks.

I’m usually the one who is consistently positive, always looking for the brighter side of things. However, lately.. it’s just not been the case. Digging into it, my mom has been the number one downfall for me. 2 weeks ago, the first school day after Prom, I got called into the office saying I had to leave because my mom had yet to pay tuition and they couldn’t get a hold of her. I called too, only to have no answer as well. I called her ex, come to find he said she was in Miami. My first thought: “So that’s what she missed my first and last prom for?” It might sound silly, but for someone who’s mom missed a lot of highlighted moments in my life, it hurt so much and I was embarrassed. I went home with a heavy heart only to find that more was coming my way. 

Mind games. 

You see, I think a lot. A lot is an understatement, actually. My mind never stops. Whether it be questions, concerns, ideas, or conversations.. it’s always running. And that could be a blessing or a curse. So factoring in my mom, the fact that my dad and I are living out of storage, my grandma’s house and our own empty house, the feeling of not being a priority, fighting with best friends, stress over school, and a Mother’s Day filled with drama and no mom around - it’s safe to say that I would rather go and hide under a rock than think about it all. And that scares me… because I do not run from things. 

Breathe.

Literally, that word.. the meaning it holds to me, the actuality of how easy it is to stop and just take a breath - making it so effortless is what has made me not go crazy. It’s also made me accept a lot of things. So here is where I become transparent.

- I can’t change who my mom is and what she does, but I can only change the way I let it affect me. Still showing her love.

- It doesn’t matter where I live, or how crazy the housing situation might become.. I’ll always be taken care of. 

- Instead of crying over not feeling like a priority to people, I have to speak of it and not take myself out of an uncomfortable situation.. otherwise it will never become better. 

- My best friends are my best friends. Fighting just shows we care enough to stick through the crap. 

- School: I’m going to be placed where I need to be.

And lastly, accept that it is okay to feeeeeel my situation. It’s okay to not be okay. It’s okay to actually talk about, cry about it, write about it.. whatever. Keeping it to myself and not fully accepting that the season I am in, is the season I am in is only going to stunt me from learning anything. Stunt me from growth that is waiting so anxiously to let the bad die off. So, here’s where I start.

God knows what He is doing. 

Without struggle, there can be no progress.

“Weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning.” - Psalm 30:5

Smile, Have Faith, Stay Strong, and Breathe. <3

Till next time, 

- Desire Renee. 

7pm here in So. Cal.

It’s been a while. 

So here I am, filling out the last two applications that will determine where I will live come August/September. Right now the only emotion I feel is, in all honesty: peaceful fear. Contradiction? Sure. Let’s explain:

The last few months have been the hardest times I’ve faced. Whether it be family, friends, school and the future, I’m surprised my eyeballs haven’t dried out. I’ve fought with my dad, who is my best friend, more times than I have literally in my entire life. My relationship with my mom has been on and off, whom I haven’t seen since December. I’ve lost friends, ones that I thought I would do life with - girls & boys, over the dumbest reasons. I’ve missed so much school because of the amount of days I’ve been sick - letting people down. And every day I’m faced with the question: What the heck am I going to do with my life? Where am I going to go to college?

Safe to say, I’ve just stressed myself out to the max. 

But the point of that last sentence is: ‘I’ve stressed myself out to the max.” I’ve allowed that human nature who needs to be in constant control take over my mind. I’ve let the circumstances that have been thrown at me dictate my emotions.

However, yesterday I decided to finally pack that up and ship it far, far, far away. 

I’ve come to realize it’s normal to fight with your dad when he fears that his little girl is leaving for 9-10 months with limited visits, it’s normal to loose friends in high school - it makes the real ones stand out like diamonds, and everyone at one point freaks out when it comes to finding a college. But with these things, I also have a choice on my reactions. I have a choice to trust that Christ has a much bigger plan than I could ever think up for myself. And boy, in the last few days that has become so much more evident.

See, my plans for college were set in my mind two weeks ago. I was planning on going to a still secret location with my friend Jazzy to do a program I was excited about. However, there was still something chasing me in the back of my mind. Before Thanksgiving I had applied to a school to which I cannot give away yet, but upon finding out a boy whom I’ve had an awkward relationship with to this day was also planning on going, I immediately threw in the towel - ignoring all calls and emails from them. But God is funny in the way He does things. As soon as I put this place in the furthest corner in my mind, the name just kept coming up. That next week, the leaders from this school came into town and I was able to talk to them as well as hang out with some of the students from there. At that point, I reached the tip of the break down. I know I’m supposed to be at this school at some point in my life, as much as I wanted so much to fight it away. But what was my reason to not want to go? Because I had an awkward situation with a boy that would seem so silly in a few months? Haha, that seems so dumb to me now.

SOOOOO, all in all, I am still applying to both schools and leaving the rest up to God. I’m ready to go where He leads me, as corny as I may sound. I know either way it’ll be the adventure of a lifetime. (: And not just the school aspects… the family and friends as well. I only have 4 months left of high school, and my goal isn’t to just get out of there, but to enjoy every day. 

So yes, I feel peaceful fear. I am at peace with the fear knocking at my door every morning and before I go to sleep - questioning my future.

Because I’m excited.

(:

So anyone reading this who has let that human nature that wishes to be in control of everything and freaks when things go a different way, let it go. I promise you with all my might that it goes even better when you take your pinky out of your eye that only sees your problems and begin to look beyond to be able to see even more possibilities. 

It will blow your mind. 

“Never be afraid to trust an unknown future to a known God.” - Corrie Ten Boom.

Smile, Have Faith, Stay Strong, and Breathe. <3

Till next time…

- Desire Renee.  <3 (: 

Sometimes I wish I didn’t care so much about people, and by that I mean the ones who consistently hurt me or put me in the position of questioning who I’ve made myself into. I can never seem to hold a grudge or be completely rude to someone - even if that’s all I’ve gotten from them. This is because I see no point in holding it because in the end holding it in does no harm but to myself. But it’s days like the last few where I don’t understand you and how completely impossible it is for you to be a friend. Yes, I understand we hit a weird patch, blah blah blah but come on. Partly it’s my fault because I have failed to say how much I was hurt, not by the weird patch but because of empty promises. However, I don’t feel like I should let that wall down because what would the point be? For you to say sorry? No. That wouldn’t solve anything, it would make you feel guilty & would just put unnecessary salt on old wounds. That’s not what I want at all. That’s never been what I want. The only reason I haven’t just thrown it to the wind is because I’ve never been that person. I’ve never wanted to be that person who just gives up on someone. Yes, countless times I’ve been taken advantage by many because of this, and maybe some people are meant not to be in my life, but I’m about to let circumstances define who I am. My only wish is that one day you’d realize I was trying to be a friend to you, but the avoidance, awkwardness and plain weird eye contact was no help. For now I’m just giving it to God, continue to be who I am, and know that I tried, with everything. I’m just exhausted of feeling this way. I wish you nothing but the best, but until that day comes, I’m going to keep my head up.

“Save your heart for someone that’s worth dying for. Don’t give it away torn apart, never getting what you’ve been crying for. It’s always that same.”

This.

It breaks my heart to see SO many broken hearted people recently who get hurt, end up getting into a new relationship immediately - only to be let down once again contracting a hardened heart. Knowing everyone experiences that feeling of being wanted I realize that this has become ‘normal’ but hasn’t it occurred to the hurt that if you aren’t fully your own person that being with someone isn’t going to complete your equation? You won’t feel complete in the long run because you have yet to find just who you, yourself are. And your heart, if you are consistently handing it to person after person, never allowing it to heal, and asking yourself why hurt keeps happening - how many times have you given your heart away while it’s STILL mourning?

I don’t care how corn-ballish this sounds, but save your heart.

I read recently that we accept the love we deserve. And that can go for friendships, relationships, family - whatever, but it’s truth. So how much do you think you deserve? Add 8972618394719 to that & it’s still more. You deserve the world whether you think it or not, so don’t accept anything less.

Please.

It will be worth it.

(:

        “We’ve said what we’ve needed to say. We’ve promised what we’ve felt we needed. And now I’m here with words that can never be spoken. I want to understand what went through your mind when you said line after line, and how easily you seemed to be able throw it all away with a simple text. That was that. Looking past it, new promises were made. Those lasted about a few days. Convenient talks were never favored, but seemed to be the routine. It’s all becoming clearer, looking deeper, timing was wrong. No one was at fault, time is healer, God is comfort. It’s time to see, to look again, that the plan of life is not ours to hold - and when we take control, we pay the cost. So I’m setting this down, I’m ready to go, I’m starting to smile, I give back control. I wish you the best, you are still a friend, if this finds it’s way back - I’ll be right in the end. But if this was just a lesson learned, I’m happy to say this smile I wear tonight was rightfully earned.”  - Me.

(: